Memories vs Anticipation

I was thinking today in the early morning hours when for some reason, I can never sleep, about birthdays. March is a month of several birthdays for our family. My dad's was March 3, Deedie's March 8, Christi March 12, Dennis March 25, Deedie's nephew March 26, and probably some I am missing.
Facebook has added a new dimension to the birthday experience. We can write on people's wall and leave them messages no matter where they are, and express our feelings, memories, and wishes to them. It's a fun thing to do and I always enjoy reading them on my birthday.
A thought (I don't have many of these anymore) hit me while reading just such a message from my sister to her beautiful 45 year old daughter. Of course I have memories of her growing up also. Back in the seemingly slower days of our lives we saw each other more often and seemed to have time to talk, cook, eat and play games. Those are the memories I cherish. She mentioned her feelings and thoughts about memories and anticipation. Very interesting and easy to separate the two.
In the past I have always enjoyed the anticipation of being together for an event more  than remembering the past. A luxury I don't have anymore when it concerns our son. Memories are all we have, unless you count the anticipation of being with him in heaven. I'm not sure if we will know him there, which will not matter at all once we are in the presence of God and his Son. So I don't think about anticipation of a reunion there.
My memories of the 49 years we had him in this physical life is what I have. Of course, I see him in his daughter, Amy and son, Jason and most assuredly in his grandson, Gabe. Someone wrote on Facebook the other day after seeing a picture of Gabe that "Grandpa Dennis would have been so proud". Why doesn't that make me feel happy. It is true that Dennis would have loved the little fellow and would have taught him so many things if he were here, but he's not. So anticipation of Dennis doing grandpa things with Gabe is not something that had ever entered my mind.
But memories of him - do I ever have them and even after 5 and 1/2 years he is still alive in the memory of so many other people. I was stunned recently while attending a funeral for a 9 month old baby from our church, when the service opened with CD's playing of Dennis singing all 4 parts of hymns. This family loved Dennis and had known him since he was 4 years old. After thinking about it, I wasn't surprised at their choice of who would sing at this precious baby's funeral, but it still focused my mind on Dennis and the memories came flooding back.
On a Wednesday night recently, one of our elders was leading the singing and when he announced the song, he said "We don't sing this song here much anymore, Dennis used to lead it fairly often." Again my mind was jolted out of what I was thinking and I started thinking about and seeing in my mind's eye, Dennis standing at the pulpit and leading almost every song in the book.
He is so woven in my soul from the time he was a baby and I rocked him and told him he would be another Samuel when he grew up, until the last day I spent at the hospital with him as he was totally recovering from surgery, and we were anticipating him being home and life going on as it had in the past. Memories are thoughts that come unbidden no matter what I'm doing or how much I'm trying not to live in the past.
I've often wondered how parents go on with their life after losing a child and I still don't know. As for me, I try to make it one day at a time, trying not to spend time in remembering and never having anticipation.